As you may be aware, approximately 90% of Electronic Mail traffic has recently been taken up with your questions, in response to the massively successful Ask Guggenheim program. I have worked my drones beyond the breaking point for hundreds of hours to cull only the most interesting messages, in between bouts of genius and the salvation of millions. And now, the time has come for the first query to be quenched!
Dear Dr. Beuctus Guggenheim,
From what I understand, when you are not in homicidal rages and all-out wars with your secretary, you are quite the ladies man. Is this true?
A love-lorn fan of the Greatest Scientist of all Time
If I may direct your attention to the guidelines, I believe that you will find that you violate all 4, which is in itself a violation of the hitherto undiscovered 5th guideline (patent pending).
For instance, though you do use the Most Excellent Of Names in your introduction, I detect a certain lack of imagination, effort, competence, etc. In the interest of improving communication, allow me to replace your mess with pristine beauty.
Oh! What an honor it is for you to be reading so much as a single word of mine, much less the following 50 pages overflowing with praise! If it please his Mighty Guggenheimness, do please bend your mind to my pathetic plea.
Not completely in form, nor indeed complete; I haven’t the hours to spend doing myself justice, but surely the lesst of you have nothing better to do.
Still, since I’ve put this much effort into it I might as well answer you. I have attracted quite my share of ungrateful, dull-witted women. I wedded, as is my way, the greatest of them. Imagine why (besides the glory) I spend 26 hours a day at work.
Hundreds of drone-hours went into this post. Hundreds, and not all survived. I guess the remnant will have to cull twice as hard to keep up with the influx. I might also want to check that they can all read…
Until next time, strive for my perfection!